I wanna bring you to show and tell
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
