my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
