I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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