She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
