you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
