Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
