Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
This baby is an asshole
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
