I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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