Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
