Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
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Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
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Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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