I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
