I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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