don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
