my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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