I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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