So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
