Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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