I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
