the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
