Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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