Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
