i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
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Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
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At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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