I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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