her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
