i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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