I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
