sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
