Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
