I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
