If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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