It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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