im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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