Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
