and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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