I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
