i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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