yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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