I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i think i have two assholes
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
