Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
