honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
