My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
