dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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