watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
