Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
