FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
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