capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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