Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
