I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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