My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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