You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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