i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
