I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
