i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
