he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
