the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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