Im at strip club and am horny
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
