I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
