Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
